In not even nearly the craziest news this week ISIS have surprisingly claimed responsibility for the
"cowardly, somewhat artistic and FANTASTIC" attack on the
"quiet, trouble free" Cross Keys Pub in the booming
economic centre of Pocklington. This is the first strike by the grou
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| Claims not yet confirmed |
What started out as a non-story of a man/boy with appearance of Aladdin seemingly using the wrong
door or window after missing last orders for a Heineken 0.0 has quickly gone
from a Pocklington Post paragraph on page 18 with the
old pictures of Mr Tatterton (winning every event humanly possible in speedos) has jumped to international News Desks worldwide?
Hitting mainstream
media publishers in San Francisco, New York City, Sydney and even Johannesburg.
The story and mystery is really beginning to unravel.
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| BBC Site follows most leading news sites #Prey4dick |
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| "Cracking Little Pub" - Predictions of attack or bad wording? Author in custody (1st arrest) |
Often he is seen running to his doors as the randy locals throw underwear, money and themselves at him such is his local status. “So I look like a ladies man but I am here to help Pocklington become a better place. I would not run for the mayor he runs for me. Too big for my boots? Size 6 mate and stuff ends so no. £12 lecky darl” purred the landlord when buying electric from a male attendant in the Coop.
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| Landlord Dick - Heart Throb Hero Wins Heart Of Nation "I wonder if it was the second coming. I am not religious like to get boots stuck in and been thinking allot. I not had any sleep since about 1 week before the attack" The nations favourite has been awake for a month now. Keep going. |
The heartless attack on his beloved Cross Keys had left the folk in the area terrified and without a safe place. However after Tommy Robinson was looking at the news and saw a “foreign Fuck” in the CCTV images released and everything changed. Tommy, Anthea Turner and the EDL rode in on white horses with a foreign workforce and had the bar up and running within 4 hours. Imagine Changing rooms in a broken building with Cocaine, Booze and racism topped with a minority workforce to abuse and a load of glass on the floor. "Finally got the atmosphere I have been seeking, over the moon" Snorted the confused but jolly Landlord. Rumours the attacker/s actually helped clean up the next day are yet to be proven.
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| Tommy Robinson's Asian Builders Work Wonder - Better Than New "A dog born in a stable aint a horse" T Robinson 2020 Leaving speech |
The community spirit amongst the regulars and Dick fans has been beautiful. A real coming together in a tragedy. The now viral hunt on the Cross Keys page has shown what a lovely and balanced bunch they are. Justice is a needy child and serious planning of the culprit or culprits being hung drawn and quartered have been delayed until covid19 restrictions are lifted over concerns 5 people would be unable to hold the giant bearded man pictured down. Described as Jesus by most comments some were confused by the background of the suspect.
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| Official Shot Of Main Suspect and full name |
Eye witnesses say the giant Turkish man threw a full 85KG plant pot through and upstairs window. #power! If confirmed this will be the town record for such an event and will likely never be beaten. Already local strongmen have started attempting the record. Local Enforcer/Mobb Boss Vic Bains is believed to have bought all the large clay pots from Langlands reported to have cost £1300 and a 15 year old paper boy in his prime. Suggestions to hang the Turkish Monster also stalled due to his size. CCTV from outside the venue is thought to have been unable to capture the suspect due to his shear size.
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| 6 Days work to remove editing. Most accurate image available. Circulate so we can catch who or what is behind this. |
The ISIS revelation has come as a shock and left many
questions amongst locals and foreign observers. The claim was first made when
official ISIS trip advisor gave a 2 star rating and stated would have given 3
but glass everywhere and prayer matts soaked. Service also rated as
one. This post has been deleted with ISIS account. We got further
confirmation from a video on 15 October 2020 via news agency Al Jazeera TV.
The self-proclaimed prophet, "Jihad James Foks" of the established Pocklington Caliphate, which recently moved from the oval to Chappell Hill allowing the council to sort the grass out and fit running toilets allowed new Woldgate recruit a short time on TV to give a statement before clarifying the attack in detail via a radio interview with Vixen FM (Market Weighton).
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| Temporary Chap Hill Secret Base |
"It’s We, I, ISIS under ISOP (Islamic State of Pocklington) have again struck at the heart of your
filthy capitalist society. We go gym, pin, mix then attack. Cross
Keys Pocklington you suffered
for displaying and pushing haram. We will continue this campaign following
Geneva Convention closely."
The live interview attracted 1 listener which broke Vixens
record this year. Transcript or
“operation war”
"Hi Vixen FM any requests"
"You kaffir playing string instruments..."
"Hold on you want a riff or summit rocky"
"Shut your mouth and listen this is the leader if ISOP"
"Hold on" (Confusion and mild Panic, Presenter changes voice)
"Hey I am in charge at Vixen we are a community based
local…"
“Inshullah We Attacked the Kuffir bar in Pocklington and will attack you if you dont shut up. Details of our successful mission carried out will follow in detail”
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| Taken at 2.30AM Marching To Target Experts are not yet sure if it was light at 2:30AM |
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We Marched 19 Mujahedeen
from The Buddha centre to Pocklington in full outfit at 2.30AM to prepare
an attack on the war memorials beautiful flowers. A non-aggressive flower smash
and poppy steal as can sell at market day after for future Insurgency
(Strong Integration) into the filthy haram filled town.
·
Upon arrival at
the target our General and famous Jihad Tyre Slasher (Infamous in Pocklington
for a spate of tyre slashing’s to save insects which actually makes complete
sense) did a quick insect assessment. Alarm bells rang for our 19 warriors when
no insects were found. Our newly freed and eager Tyre Slasher immediately knew
some sort of pesticide had been used to kill the insects. We immediately
agreed with Tyre man as he was shaking with anger. “Genocide”! Confused he gave
the order to remove the flowers.
·
11.3 seconds
after the op began we came into aggressive contact directly from the East 1
storey up. A male which we believed to be Phillip
Schofield engaged in aggressive dialogue. "GET OFF FLOWERS I HAVE 15 YEAR MULTI
MILLION CONTRACT WITH COUNCIL YOU DAESH OR WHATEVER". He took cover for a
second and my team prepared to come under heavy fire. Schofield returned
to the window covered in flour or something hissing and sniffing with a bottle
in his hand with X on label. I gave the order to neutralise him. We fired a pre-emptive
RPG strike threw his window breaking
to glass. We then surrounded the window and created a safe Perimeter as two of our team wanted an autograph if
possible.
· Schofield appeared quickly in the same window to our surprise with a bank note and keys. He threw the bottle out which we identified as Amyl Nitrate or poppers. A tactical decision to kidnap Schofield due to his celebrity status and TV show we all enjoy was made after the team tested the Amyl Nitrate. Schofield became confused asking us in for "a pint" but shaking so after 2 seconds we threw a broken grenade at him and that seemed to quell the threat.
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| Distressed Landlord Off His Face ISIS took this before humanely subduing Rich with a broken grenade |
·
Jihad Tyre
Slasher used his favourite glass hammer from the X46 to open the window. We
entered and sat tight at the right hand side away from the alcohol. The Tyre
Slasher gave us a speech which can never be repeated then started in his own Islamic
way disposing of the haram or alcohol to you non-believers.
· 16 of our strongest cleansed the filthy bar saving even the non-believers children while 3 maintained the perimeter. We liked the carpets etc and waited for Mr Schofield to come down for his kidnapping. After 20 minutes we secured and left the scene.
Brief engagement with Local ex post man at around 4am near memorial. Suspect he was looking for donation box but after searching him he had no money. We ID him as White Kuffir Russle Lyons and ran a quick CRB check. He came back for theft among others things and a paedophile type accusation. When quizzed he stated "no victim no crime can I smell poppers?". We recruit allot of people but we sent him packing and advised him to the word of the caliphate expansion. Seemingly aroused He headed Due East towards Schofields open bar with bad intentions. Under our new version of treating customers fairly (TCF) Schofiled although a failed kidnap target was still under our care.
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| Standard Chat Up Lines? Hero post thief is going after a child! |
· We explained to
Schofield by shouting about russ and what and why it happened. Asked for autographs and kidnap
to go ahead. White powder was blowing outta the room and loud electronic
gay type dance music began pounding. We retreated to avoid
indoctrination.
·
We left the red
zone with no further contact or problem. At 4.45AM we arrived in our secret
location.”
Famous Tour De France winner Dodger Eastmoreland praised the work of ISIS and was incensed regarding the use of some adulterant to kill these insects. “I would love to go to the Cross Keys! I would nut little Dick behind the bar and pour insect killer down his throat” sighed Dodger. Fears amongst locals that dodger poses a more serious threat than ISIS and may actually blow the place up are not scaring away custom.
ISIS leaders in the Middle East have yet to confirm the attack or claim a direct link. With the lethal Pocklington tyre slasher at the centre of this story they may feel damaging to reputation globally.
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| Loose In Area Winns have employed 300 temps in hope of a repeat of 2015 |
The reebok sponsored athlete and undisputed world’s best Tyre Slasher has bounced from religions to Islam and recently a bout of severe schizophrenic violence on an innocent female in York in daylight. He is still supposed to be behind bars but sources have indicated he was broken/sneaked out of Max Security Jail Full Sutton specifically for this attack. Very strong suggestions he was smuggled out inside a guard (unconfirmed but no other way out).
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| "Red Rag To A Bull" Bookies slash odds on humans 5/2 |
CCTV Images and a video of one of the attackers has surfaced online with police following many leads. Pocklington Caliphate elders are working with Woldgate 6th Form film experts to prove the claim. They believe the images are haram and should be destroyed but in this instance are insistent better footage (that could be used for propaganda and recruitment has been edited) is somehow hidden.
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| Woldgate Head - J Bower "An Honour to assist ISIS in legitimising the attack claim" Worm |
It is not known when the police were called and
this has led to more confusion and theories.
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| Helen forgot the local station closed in 2003 - 17 Years Holding Strong Helen presence has had no significant impact on global warming or crime. Locals now dress her as a Christmas tree late November. |
A task force of 9 police forces including 19000 officers are combing the entire country for the suspects. Ex bent cop turned bounty hunter PC Spalaney stated "if it aint ISIS its a bearded guy who is same. I aint inspector Morse but we are looking at a terror attack and a bearded gang. A violent response is where I would start. I mean violent, anyone In the streets after 10pm should be neutralized."
"I was proud to be the only armed serving police officer in Pocklington and any area before my misconduct hearing and misunderstanding/career change. (The officer was jailed for having an illegal handgun, ammunition and drugs). I’m happy to shoot at anyone with beard even stubble. Its gets dark early so just shoot at them all even women have beards."
Head of the actual police
operation
has warned anyone to not a
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| Laying Low - Former Kingpin |
The police are not satisfied this is simply the work of ISIS and have advised they have many suspects. “The evidence we have seen looks like the ISIS guys used clever tech to hide in video or we could have multiple suspects who are twins. This could be a confusing one and I really think the CCTV is so unclear I am unsure if it’s even in the Cross Keys. If we have not spoken to you, YOU are a suspect come forward and rule your-self out.”
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| Main Suspect inside the Keys - Do you recognise him? £7500000 Reward |
Any information on the attackers can be passed
on in confidence to Franks Kebabs & Pizza
on 01759 306612 (quote: Crackin Deal for free garlic bread or coke with £5 spend*).
The Police
are preparing a suspect list at present
and have made two arrests so far. Cocaine was found scattered all over the pub
in what looks to be a set up or some sort of after smash smash party. Much CCTV is
missing and many questions remain unanswered. Around 3 minutes have been released so far which leaves a ga
Two bottles of Budweiser were broken in the
attack thrusting the United States into an extradition bid for the suspect.
Donald Trump furiously stated “extradite him we will torture him. That’s an
attack on US kids, workers anyone American.”
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