Tuesday, 24 November 2015

Islamic State Cut Pocklington Water

IS pictured at The Glider Club
In a shocking move IS have attacked the main water supply to Pocklington, destroying a main pipe in a co-ordinated attack. The attack has sparked outrage amongst residents who have reportedly began collecting rain water and drinking alcohol instead.

It is believed the attack happened sometime on Monday 23rd November a day that will be remembered by many in Pocklington as "dry Monday". Already donations have "poured" in from Yorkshire water in the form of plastic bottles containing water. Local mob leader Vic Baines quickly saw the opportunity and is now selling the bottles for £5 each from his local shop while others have resorted to selling bong water in pop up stalls all over Pocklington.

Pocklington Beck
BBCs Children in Need are running a Pocklintgton special tonight at 8pm "Pocklington in Need". The show will feature images of Pocklington folk bathing in the beck and drinking from the canals. They are pleading for special straws which makes the water clean. For just 50p you can help a Pocklington resident make a bong out of special straw.

It is rumoured that Pocklington Reservoir on Chapel Hill has been surrounded by US forces in a further escalation in the battle for power in the upper middle class town of Pocklington.

Reports have flooded in this week that the famed Pocklington Slasher has now joined Islamic State and is intent on attacking again after evading court. An attack now on Pocklingtons cars could lead to chaos meaning no water and no escape for the residents. Speaking from the Oval Caliphate the IS press team confirmed the water pipe attack "The water contained Fluoride so we are trying to save the people".

"They are scum" on Pocklington residents
Jeremy Corbyn earlier visited the troubled town and described the situation in his usual defiant left wing fashion. "They are drinking the scum from a river. They do not deserve this!"

Sherbutgate residents fear that they will lose the 90000 reported tourists every year if the water is not returned. The Hanging Baskets of Sherbuttgate look set to die unless water can be sourced. Oh the Irnoy of the lighthouse outside Franks.

Thursday, 29 October 2015

4 Wonders Of Pocklington

Welcome to the four wonders of Pocklington, compiled for your visiting pleasure by the Pocklington Ministry of Information in association with the town Council.

The planning procedure took over five years in development to allow you, the discerning visitor, a more informed choice of Pocklington's premier attractions. The list was prepared by the Four Wonders Working Party from nine different name selection subcommittees. Once shortlisted, the Wonders were further scrutinised by twenty other oversight committees before being finally adopted.

Although this system might seem archaic, time wasting and needlessly expensive, the level of bureaucracy involved elevated The Four Wonders Choosing Procedure to almost become a Wonder in its own right.

We hope you enjoy the list of Wonders outlined and make them part of your visit; if you want to know more about the 'Lesser Wonders' of Pocklington that didn't make it on to the list but are worth a visit regardless, please call at one of many Pubs which can be found dotted around the town.

The Four Wonders Of Pocklington

1. Pocklington Church

Originally known for religion and the flying man, this 849m colossus is not only the highest building in Pocklington but it also has a very reasonably priced cafeteria. 

"Give me a tower I can jump off!" With those noble words flying man Mr David Murray John proposed the building of a skyscraper to give Pocklington the skyline it had lacked since the destruction of the Cathedral of St Xynxd almost five centuries before.

The amazing 849m high Pocklington Church
At first glance the plans for the tower seemed almost modest; a wind tunnel for skydiving 45m high with a roof terrace, clock and airship docking tower - all normal stuff. However, just before the 'great finish' in May 1875 a militant band of Surrealists wrested control of the Builder's Union and threatened not to stop working until the labour force was paid less money. Subject to a legally-enforcable agreement with the previous union, the owners of the tower were powerless - and could only watch in horror as their beloved tower continued to grow as the militant surrealists refused to stop building.

By Christmas and with negotiations breaking down at every level, the tower had gone 26 floors over the planned limit. Encouraged by sympathetic suppliers who continued to deliver the striking builders with much-needed concrete and steel, the tower was still being constructed at an astonishing rate a year later when the owners finally managed to persuade the suppliers to cease trading with the increasingly aggresive builders.

Extreme surrealist builders in a restored photograph
When it seemed like the strike could go no further due to the lack of materials, help came unexpectedly from the good folk of Pocklington itself, who, impressed by the builder's tenacity began supplying the beleaguered strikers with newspapers and wallpaper paste, allowing them to continue building the next three floors of papier mache. undoubtedly impressive, but short-lived. When anti surrealist legislation was passed the following month the union was disbanded and the strike called off, two years and three months after it began.

When the owners finally regained possession of the tower they discovered a 1086m (reduced to 849m when the papier mache became soggy) engineering marvel that was found by structural engineers to be eminently usable, and the tower has remained to this day, a 849M high testament to not only Pocklington's skilled workforce but the short-lived surrealist movement that swept England in the 1870s.

Although the tower never did get its airship docking station the roof garden remains, from where on a clear day you can see three coasts. The tower contains a mix of apartments and office space, several cinemas, three swimming pools and the Pocklington Public Records Office. The top three floors of the building are also the only habitable areas of England which are located within controlled airspace.

Visitor's Information: Visitor's centre and museum on ground floor. Roof garden, very reasonably priced cafeteria and viewing gallery open seven days a week. Special Vertigo Sufferer's viewing platform at street level.

How to find it: Go to Pocklington and look up. Nearest Public Transport: Pocklington Bus Station, Station Road.


Surely one of Pocklington's finest areas of horticultural calm, the famous hanging baskets of Sherbuttgate draw in excess of 92,000 visitors a year.

A relatively small basket of physinphentics greets visitors to Sherbuttgate
The only 'Four Wonder' that was never in any question over inclusion, the Hanging Baskets of Sherbuttgate are famous the world over for not only their colour and striking fragrance, but for their variety. Even the fussiest flower basket nonce will find something to please them in the twenty or so hanging baskets on display, ranging in size from a tiddler barely 7' across to the "Colonel's Basket" which is 23' in diameter and weighs three tons.

Inaugurated in 1929 by General Sherbuttgate in the parkland named in his honour, the Baskets have been recently incorporated into a new housing estate as the Colonel demanded in his will. The buildings on the site are constructed of steel girders to take the massive weights, and each basket can be lowered by a system of pulleys ingeniously hidden within the basement of each house. 

An ingenious pulley system operates the baskets
Each homeowner in the estate is responsible for his or her own hanging basket and in return is given reduced rent and as much peat and peonies as they need. Due to a recent environmental outcry the Sherbuttgate Trust is happy to point out that they only use peat from renewable sources.

During Winter the more valuable baskets are moved by low-loader to nearby The Mouse House flower shop, where a climate-controlled greenhouse keeps them fresh for the next season.

Visitor's Information: Sherbuttgate is situated in the West of the Town near nothing. Visitor's centre on site and caters for all basket cases ; courses run in the summer months.  

Closest Public Transport: B1426 Bus Stop (signposted).
01759 303427  

3. The Lighthouse Of Railway Street Roundabout 

Constructed during the Great Global Warming Scare of 1832, this famous Pocklington landmark is unique for being the only lighthouse in the world invisible from any navigable waterway. 

Very useful landmark if you've had a skinful and need to find the bus station.
The Lightouse which now stands outside Franks Kebab shop is the only survivor of the Great Global Warming Scare of 1832 when local councils all over England were persuaded that rising sea levels would make inland towns like Pocklington a major shipping hazard.

When the danger had receded by 1838 and the instigator of the building process jailed for fraud, the Pocklington Town Council were embarassed but ingenious - what better way to give a reading light to the good folk of Pocklington in the dark days before electricity? For sixty years the lamp swept around the city between the hours of eight and ten, allowing those within its influence a chance to read in bed, albeit in only two second bursts every half minute.

When electricity and a drop in the price of candles doused the great lamp forever, the lighthouse's future looked bleak until it was converted into a bell tower for the local Chapel of St Xynxd, a use that ensured its survival into the twentieth century.

Now restored to its former glory, the Lighthouse on Railway Street roundabout is known equally well, not only as a tourist attraction but also as a useful landmark for Pocklington residents who have got a bit pissed or stoned and need to get their bearings to the bus station.

Visitor's Information: Visitor's centre open all year round but with limited entries - best book early for a time slot. Allow half an hour for a conducted tour to the restored lamp room.

How to find it: The Lighthouse can be found on Railway Street, just off Station Road. Visitors to the Pocklington Church nearby can make use of a 'two for one' ticket offer. Another Wonder, the Cathedral of
St Xynxd (site of), is only a short walk away. 

Nearest Public Transport: Pocklington Bus Station, Station Road.

Telephone: 01759 306612

The Cathedral Of St Vynxd (site of)

4. The Cathedral of St Xynxd (site of)

Despite the fact that nothing whatsoever remains above ground, the medieval cathedral that once graced this site was an equal to Chartres or York. On-site tours available.

Pocklington's Great Cathedral was founded in 1289 by St Xynxd and grew to be not only one of the finest and richest exponents of the medieval cathedral builders art, but also a seat of great learning and stability within the region. Although destroyed by fire during the reformation in 1536 and subsequently demolished, its enduring memory and undeniable regional importance ensures that it remains, despite its non-existence, as one of the truly great wonders of Pocklington.

Standing here in 1432 you would be looking along the arcade of the South aisle. 
Unique as the only medieval cathedral of any importance that no trace whatsoever remains, the vanished Cathedral of St
Xynxd remains one of the strongest tourist attraction of the Pocklington area.

So what did it look like? There are only three drawings of the cathedral itself, so details of its precise architectural finery are frustratingly sparse. There are many contemporaneous accounts of the richness of the building style, and by comparing these notes and studying similar cathedrals of the period and in conjunction with an archaeological survey conducted in 1822, we can gain a fairly clear picture of what the Cathedral once looked like.

The North Transept and Rose Window (site of)
As far as can be determined, the cathedral conformed to the 'cruciform' layout along an East-West axis with North and South transepts and a massive crossing tower augmented by two smaller towers at the Western entrance, roughly where
the end of the car park is now situated. If you stand near the recycling bins the south arcade runs directly into the rear of where Sainsbury's now stands - the central tower and transepts are centred on the checkout aisles.

Remains found in the 1822 archaeological survey and historical references suggest that the internal roof was rib vaulted and fragments of tracery point to a vast seven light window in the East and West ends - small shards of stained glass and sections of the central mullion can be seen in Burnby Hall Garden's museum, along with accurate reproductions of the rose windows that allegedly adorned the North and South transepts.

Site of the original font and entrance to scriptorium.
The last remaining above-ground section was a small stone arch that survived until St Xynxd's dramatic resurrection in 1988. Despite protestations the remnant was demolished to make way for an extension to the trolley park.

Visitors to the site today can be taken on a tour bus around the car park and guided tours amongst the shopping aisles of the present day Sainsbury 's will do much to re-invoke the flavour of medieval Pocklington. If preferred you can walk around the car park on your own, stopping at the occasional information boards which give explanations of where
parent and child parking bays are located

Visitor's Information: Visitor's centre open all year round with tour guides happy to take visitors on lecture tours of the site. The cathedral (site of) has the unique privilege of being the only World Heritage Site where you can also do your weekly shopping. Physical remnants of the cathedral can be found in the Burnby Hall Garden museum.

How to find it: The site is on the Sainsbury's superstore off The Balk not far from the bus station
Nearest Public Transport: Pocklington Bus Station.

01759 305974  

That's all four folks

With thanks to Jasper Fforde

Wednesday, 9 September 2015

The Pocklington Slasher, Reebok & the £50m, 5-Year sponsorship deal

On Tuesday, in a plush room at Burnby Hall Gardens in Pocklington, The Pock Slasher's ascent to the criminal elite was confirmed with the announcement of the most lucrative endorsement deal in British criminal history.

Police E-Fit of slasher
While the exact figures have not been made public, insiders believe the balding man with a van's contract with Reebok will earn him up to £50m over 5 years. Why such staggering amounts of money? Why the slasher, rather than any other limping criminal damage master? What does this mean for Reebok , for Peter Winn - the believed mastermind behind the attacks - and for people who wear shorts without socks?

Why So Much?

 A little context. If accurate, those estimates mean The Slasher's deal is substantially bigger than both OJ Simpson's most recent 10-year Swiss Army Knife contract - reportedly worth £12m - and Tony Blair's lifetime deal with Israel based Coffin making giant the USA, estimated to earn the child killer £42m. So how is such a monumental figure calculated? 

Blair celebrates endorsement deal
Most endorsements are determined by multiplying the criminal's world ranking points by an agreed figure. These figures are based on media response to events linked to the said criminal. The Slasher has changed middle class Pocklington into a tyre fitting paradise with Peter Winn Tyres floating on the stock exchange late on Monday. Further to this the BBC and ITV have released CCTV of the Slasher in shorts with no shoes.

"There will be a sound business case behind the numbers: 'The Slasher will help us sell x amount of equipment and clothing'," says David Cushnan, criminal business expert and director of Reebok UK. 

CCTV of Bare Foot Slasher that interested RBK 
"But as scientific as they make it, there will also be an element of gut feeling about this. Reebok didn't want their direct rivals to get their hands on him or the police for that matter. Essentially we gave the guy shoes so he can run faster and be more efficient"

"There will be both a science side and an art side to the calculations," an industry insider told BBC news. "The science works out how much value he can add to a brand, how much he can bring in sales.
"The art side is about reputation. How is the brand talked about on social media? What's the sentiment around that brand?"

Romours of a deal with car companies Ferrari, Audi and Porsche have also reportbly been put forward as the big brands look to cash in on this new breed of criminal superstar. Max Clifford has reportadly got involved and is looking at a book deal with the first "When will I tyre" due to hit waterstones in under a month.

Budding Syrian Tyre Slashers
Police are worried this deal will pave the way for copycat criminals and budding tyre slashers in the country to head for Pocklington in the view of finding fame. Its reported 10,000 Syrians have headed to Europe in a bid to get to Pocklington and slash tyres.

Street Justice - Vic Baines
Big Jon of Karelia cars has welcomed attacks in Market Weighton and opened a mobile tyre fitting business. He also has a canteen and a showroom the size of two football pitches. Local Mobster Vic Baines has promised to take action into his own hands after his milk van was targeted. He vowed "slash my tyres I will slash your throat - Street Justice, dont fuck with the major".

Thursday, 3 September 2015

ISIS: "Pock Tyre Slasher Probably Christian"

Pocklington Slasher - Efit

Slasher on loose!

On the night of 2 September the now infamous Pocklington slasher got to work with the first reported attack being seen on Darren Woodheads news feed (which has deteriorated since he found a partner). Remarkable as he does not even have a drivers license... Not to speculate but he should be prime suspect much like Huntley became after his first TV interview.

ISIS have publicly blamed the attack on a christian. From the Oval Caliphate Jihad Jon stated they have not yet completed the mosque so cannot be held responsible. He also said its out of character for the group which often makes charitable donations to UNICEF.  They responded to the slashing by donating oil to Bonds on Pocklington Industrial estate and expanding the caliphate up Wold Road. Peter Winn who was upset to be left out was unavailable for comment.

1 Direction
It is beleived "a dozen" tyres were slashed across the sleepy but high middle-class market town of Pocklington. The shocking news comes just weeks after the infamous "rix 4" attack which saw a boy band make national press by walking across a 24hour petrol station at night. No arrests have been made in relation to the "rix 4" attack but it is beleived this is what led to the 1D breakup.

Walter Red
The slashers attacks echo that of the budding dog walker Adam Peka when attempting to slash a policeman's tyres back in 03'. Sadly the knife snapped and Peka hid in a bush before his phone rang giving up his position. Turned out the policeman was in fact corrupt and a parade is held for the failed attack every year. Lest we forget.

K Dog
The top suspect so far seems to be Kane Hartwig. It is rumoured he left work early and refused to work alone after being haunted by a "possesed tyre". Many phycological experts are saying its "certainly Kane" with famed Chris BCAP PT Knight (Hons) factually stating " Kane is looking for revenge against something he has no control of and thats a tyre he fears. He certainly thinks these other tyres are related to the possesed one. He thinks he is helping people by stabbing these tyres when he is actually hurting them and commuting".

Conspiracy theorists are saying Peter Winn is involved in a bizarre effort to drum up business in the area. Reports suggest custom increased 600% in the last 24 hours for tyre fitting in Pocklington and Peter Ward has put in a hansom offer for "winnies".

Pocklington fraudsters strike McDonald's 

In other news it is reported that a gang of fraudsters from Pocklington are exploiting the goodwill and nature of McDonald's. It is believed they are removing and eating the mozzarella from "mozerella sticks" before returning with the hollow shell. They have so far bagged 3 free sticks using this ploy.

Tuesday, 7 July 2015

Just having a butchers - ISIS Claim Burtons Robbery

ISIS "burgel" award winning profiteers of death

News broke today of an intricate robbery at the famous Burtons butchers in Britain Furst and homophobic stronghold Pocklington. The callous robber was photographed while exiting the place that has ultimately become the final (almost) resting place for many murdered innocent animals. Retired hero cop PC Forstrike described the "burgerlry" as "rare".

With Pocklington's growing upper middle class population and the emergence of trendy gin bars it is little wonder the man went for the cash and not the meat. Gone are the days of a good old Sunday meat raffle in the Oddies and the blind eye to a bit of old fashion fencing.

Pocklington now under the IS Caliphate

In a bizarre show of strength in the largely UKIP area of East Riding ISIS have claimed responsibility for the robbery. Leader of the Islamic state and self proclaimed Caliph Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi sneered "They are not serving halal, they sell pork and Belle Vita sold me a shit pizza 6 years ago. Do you know they boil the kebab meat?" The robber is clearly in ISIS uniform (all black). Al-Baghdadi has vowed to build the worlds largest mosque on the oval and instantly apply sharia law to Pocklingtons lawless streets. Its rumored many including local hard nut Chris Tatterson have gone into hiding in anticipation of the new laws.

Local terror supporter sympathizer Rodg Eastmoreland has welcomed the expanded caliphate in an interview with the Pocklington Post "If they stop fracking I am all up for the caliphate." He did express concerns about the Christmas tree industry but conceded thats the price of multiculturalism.

The insurers and police have estimated that exactly £4500.00r was stolen in the "high steak" robbery! This makes the meat robber one of the most successful in Pocklingtons colorful history. Fan mail has flooded in with many young females flocking to Pocklington to "meat" the famed robber. Complaints have flooded into Burtons about the state of the surfaces. Items have clearly been left out in what looks like a untidy torture dungeon frequented by Ted Bundy.

Pocklingtons other notable heists include:
  1. The JCB ram raid of Llyods TSD when the police tyres were slashed in advance. Sadly they got away with no money after Maggie from Danby's gave chase. 
  2. The armed raid on 1079 garage Hewson & Robbin Cunts saw cigarettes and a few hundred pounds taken before the police helicopter found the bandits celebrating in the rugby club.
  3. Stuart Howell callously stole 7 fish fingers and a sausage from the dining hall at Woldgate by concealing them in his pocket

Tuesday, 2 June 2015

Juice Plus Saved My Life!

So after pulling out of my super fight with Harry Matthews I fell into a deep state of depression. After 2 days I felt like my life was essentially over.

Thankfully I was in the pub commiting slow suicide when my night in shining armour arrived. A juice plus salesman! These are my amazing results in just 6 days!

I have gained 11 stone of pure muscle and lost all fat. Even my dog lost weight looking at me!! I dont even eat food anymore and only train once every 96 days. I went from being in poverty to owning 6 Jets, 2 casinos and a football team. The transformation is terrific!

Also my neighbors kid caught Ebola - guess what I gave them juice plus and he is cured. I'm now riding through Africa on elephant back curing all diseases for just £49.99 a month. #millionairesclub

My future plans are to flood facebook with bold claims and bomb ISIS with juice plus in an aim to end conflicts, diabetes and poverty in the middle east.

Are you ready to change your life? Fuck juice plus try methamphetamine.....

Below are some pictures of my transformation and how I'm spreading juice plus.

Quick gains
Earnings every 6 seconds
My Wednesday Jet
Curing Ebola

Tuesday, 12 May 2015

Allman out of Oval Mega Fight With Matthews


Allman's non title catch weight show down with Harry Matthews on the Oval has been postponed yet again because of injury. 

Allmans sparring with innocent bystanders in Barcelona
Allman has had to withdraw from the May 16 showdown with Masters middleweight champ Matthews with a hand injury. The injury was suffered when Allman stopped a nuclear terror attack with a head butt in Milton Keynes on Tuesday morning.

Allman with an impeccable record (0-0) was praised by Tory leader David Cameron in a short speech earlier today in which Cameron described Allman as "probably the bravest man ever to live". Allman himself played down the hero talk and insists he is a normal guy. Allman was quoted saying "a post man delivers letters... I deliver justice".

Allman's promoter and local hard man Chris Tatterton hopes he can reschedule the fight with Matthew's camp for later in the year but has insisted he can step up a short notice for the bout himself.

Tatterton said in a statement: "Allman stopped a nuke earlier today. I expect him to be back in the gym tommorow morning. Following specialist review and investigations over the last 1 hour he has been diagnosed with being rock hard."

"As a result of these injuries and the time required to recover he has been advised that he will not be medically fit to fight on May 16.
Matthews - Always ready

"Obviously this is a huge blow and Allman is devastated, but we have had to make the right decision for Grant Allman the fighter. We will speak with Nick Manners and hope to reschedule the bout in the near future or I will step up."

Tatterton himself has been involved in Allmans pre fight preperations. Hours have been spent doing high alltitude training on Chapel Hill and regular sparring outside Franks has been completed.

The super fight which sold out in 11 seconds was expected to see 6 million fans turn out on the oval in an event that would also feature a bon-fire and car boot sale arranged by David Windress.

Matthews trainer and mentor Nick Manners has been linked to the attack in Milton Keynes in what could be an attempt to save his fighters career. Matthews was a 72million to 1 underdog for the 12 round bout ladder and chair fight. The winner was set for a unification bout with the notorious Adam Peka who himself has missed work for two days after eating dodgy chicken legs. A broken playstation 2 was the reported purse agreement in a winner takes all event.

Monday, 23 February 2015

Is Cocaine in the UK even Cocaine anymore?

The question may seem stupid but is completely logical. I ask it through my own experiences with cocaine and the variants in effects, quality & price. Obviously its cut at almost every level but the real question is has much of the nation has been fooled from the highest level and sold a synthetic version.

Think about the benefits from the top level movers and day to day street dealers of cocaine:

  • Profits increase in dramatic fashion
  • Supply becomes almost endless
  • Synthetic cocaine is legal to purchase as a research chemical (legal to buy)
  • Obviously possession of synthetic cocaine carries no criminal charges (at present)
  • The resale of it is not the same offense as selling class A drugs (if labeled not for human consumption/research chemical it is completely legal to sell)
So thats basically increased profit and reduced risk - Dream combo! I wonder if people today in many areas of the UK have ever had genuine cocaine and if they have has it ever been over 5% purity. I have taken cocaine in many countries and found it to be totally different to the UK and guess this boils down to purity.

Cocaine prices in areas of the UK have dropped to as low as £25 per gram (without bulk or loyal buying). We have also seen a huge rise in "pure/power/flake" - apparently high purity cocaine. This "pure" cocaine sells for between £80 & £100 per gram. I know of testing done on "pure" in the UK that returned purity rates of 8% indicating that if £100 a gram cocaine is 8% what on earth is the purity of the £25 a gram stuff? More to the point what is filling the other 92%+ in the cocaine?

I find it common that people believe they are connoisseurs of cocaine and will scoff at this post. "I never buy shit coke blah blah blah". Many believe the "gum rub" test proves quality if your gums go numb. Well I was not born yesterday but most shops stock baby teething powder. This products entire design is to give the numbness to stop pain, much in the way cocaine was used in dentistry & Nolvocaine/Lidocaine still is. Others can tell by the smell & taste... What we must remember in this day and age of copying culture tastes & smells can be copied with synthetic substances. I ask of these experts who has actually been to Bolivia, Peru or Columbia and tried pure cocaine? You maybe are just an expert in spotting good synthetic cocaine through no fault of your own.

Is the war on drugs making drugs more dangerous (or the replacement substances at least)? Its time the war on drugs stopped and legislation is brought in to lower the risks and encourage safe using much like Holland. Drugs can be tested at many places in Amsterdam without fear of arrest. UK drug policy must change to save lives. Education and awareness is key.

Drug testing kits seems to be a growing market for business savvy folk these day. If you need help with addiction check out this site. Feel free to comment share and follow this blog.