Wednesday, 9 September 2015

The Pocklington Slasher, Reebok & the £50m, 5-Year sponsorship deal

On Tuesday, in a plush room at Burnby Hall Gardens in Pocklington, The Pock Slasher's ascent to the criminal elite was confirmed with the announcement of the most lucrative endorsement deal in British criminal history.

Police E-Fit of slasher
While the exact figures have not been made public, insiders believe the balding man with a van's contract with Reebok will earn him up to £50m over 5 years. Why such staggering amounts of money? Why the slasher, rather than any other limping criminal damage master? What does this mean for Reebok , for Peter Winn - the believed mastermind behind the attacks - and for people who wear shorts without socks?

Why So Much?

 A little context. If accurate, those estimates mean The Slasher's deal is substantially bigger than both OJ Simpson's most recent 10-year Swiss Army Knife contract - reportedly worth £12m - and Tony Blair's lifetime deal with Israel based Coffin making giant the USA, estimated to earn the child killer £42m. So how is such a monumental figure calculated? 

Blair celebrates endorsement deal
Most endorsements are determined by multiplying the criminal's world ranking points by an agreed figure. These figures are based on media response to events linked to the said criminal. The Slasher has changed middle class Pocklington into a tyre fitting paradise with Peter Winn Tyres floating on the stock exchange late on Monday. Further to this the BBC and ITV have released CCTV of the Slasher in shorts with no shoes.

"There will be a sound business case behind the numbers: 'The Slasher will help us sell x amount of equipment and clothing'," says David Cushnan, criminal business expert and director of Reebok UK. 

CCTV of Bare Foot Slasher that interested RBK 
"But as scientific as they make it, there will also be an element of gut feeling about this. Reebok didn't want their direct rivals to get their hands on him or the police for that matter. Essentially we gave the guy shoes so he can run faster and be more efficient"

"There will be both a science side and an art side to the calculations," an industry insider told BBC news. "The science works out how much value he can add to a brand, how much he can bring in sales.
"The art side is about reputation. How is the brand talked about on social media? What's the sentiment around that brand?"

Romours of a deal with car companies Ferrari, Audi and Porsche have also reportbly been put forward as the big brands look to cash in on this new breed of criminal superstar. Max Clifford has reportadly got involved and is looking at a book deal with the first "When will I tyre" due to hit waterstones in under a month.

Budding Syrian Tyre Slashers
Police are worried this deal will pave the way for copycat criminals and budding tyre slashers in the country to head for Pocklington in the view of finding fame. Its reported 10,000 Syrians have headed to Europe in a bid to get to Pocklington and slash tyres.

Street Justice - Vic Baines
Big Jon of Karelia cars has welcomed attacks in Market Weighton and opened a mobile tyre fitting business. He also has a canteen and a showroom the size of two football pitches. Local Mobster Vic Baines has promised to take action into his own hands after his milk van was targeted. He vowed "slash my tyres I will slash your throat - Street Justice, dont fuck with the major".

Thursday, 3 September 2015

ISIS: "Pock Tyre Slasher Probably Christian"

Pocklington Slasher - Efit

Slasher on loose!

On the night of 2 September the now infamous Pocklington slasher got to work with the first reported attack being seen on Darren Woodheads news feed (which has deteriorated since he found a partner). Remarkable as he does not even have a drivers license... Not to speculate but he should be prime suspect much like Huntley became after his first TV interview.

ISIS have publicly blamed the attack on a christian. From the Oval Caliphate Jihad Jon stated they have not yet completed the mosque so cannot be held responsible. He also said its out of character for the group which often makes charitable donations to UNICEF.  They responded to the slashing by donating oil to Bonds on Pocklington Industrial estate and expanding the caliphate up Wold Road. Peter Winn who was upset to be left out was unavailable for comment.

1 Direction
It is beleived "a dozen" tyres were slashed across the sleepy but high middle-class market town of Pocklington. The shocking news comes just weeks after the infamous "rix 4" attack which saw a boy band make national press by walking across a 24hour petrol station at night. No arrests have been made in relation to the "rix 4" attack but it is beleived this is what led to the 1D breakup.

Walter Red
The slashers attacks echo that of the budding dog walker Adam Peka when attempting to slash a policeman's tyres back in 03'. Sadly the knife snapped and Peka hid in a bush before his phone rang giving up his position. Turned out the policeman was in fact corrupt and a parade is held for the failed attack every year. Lest we forget.

K Dog
The top suspect so far seems to be Kane Hartwig. It is rumoured he left work early and refused to work alone after being haunted by a "possesed tyre". Many phycological experts are saying its "certainly Kane" with famed Chris BCAP PT Knight (Hons) factually stating " Kane is looking for revenge against something he has no control of and thats a tyre he fears. He certainly thinks these other tyres are related to the possesed one. He thinks he is helping people by stabbing these tyres when he is actually hurting them and commuting".

Conspiracy theorists are saying Peter Winn is involved in a bizarre effort to drum up business in the area. Reports suggest custom increased 600% in the last 24 hours for tyre fitting in Pocklington and Peter Ward has put in a hansom offer for "winnies".

Pocklington fraudsters strike McDonald's 

In other news it is reported that a gang of fraudsters from Pocklington are exploiting the goodwill and nature of McDonald's. It is believed they are removing and eating the mozzarella from "mozerella sticks" before returning with the hollow shell. They have so far bagged 3 free sticks using this ploy.