The Pocklington Slasher, Reebok & the £50m, 5-Year sponsorship deal

On Tuesday, in a plush room at Burnby Hall Gardens in Pocklington, The Pock Slasher's ascent to the criminal elite was confirmed with the announcement of the most lucrative endorsement deal in British criminal history.

Police E-Fit of slasher

While the exact figures have not been made public, insiders believe the balding man with a van's contract with Reebok will earn him up to £50m over 5 years. Why such staggering amounts of money? Why the slasher, rather than any other limping criminal damage master? What does this mean for Reebok , for Peter Winn - the believed mastermind behind the attacks - and for people who wear shorts without socks?

Why So Much?

 A little context. If accurate, those estimates mean The Slasher's deal is substantially bigger than both OJ Simpson's most recent 10-year Swiss Army Knife contract - reportedly worth £12m - and Tony Blair's lifetime deal with Israel based Coffin making giant the USA, estimated to earn the child killer £42m. So how is such a monumental figure calculated? 

Blair celebrates endorsement deal

Most endorsements are determined by multiplying the criminal's world ranking points by an agreed figure. These figures are based on media response to events linked to the said criminal. The Slasher has changed middle class Pocklington into a tyre fitting paradise with Peter Winn Tyres floating on the stock exchange late on Monday. Further to this the BBC and ITV have released CCTV of the Slasher in shorts with no shoes.

"There will be a sound business case behind the numbers: 'The Slasher will help us sell x amount of equipment and clothing'," says David Cushnan, criminal business expert and director of Reebok UK. 
 

CCTV of Bare Foot Slasher that interested RBK 

"But as scientific as they make it, there will also be an element of gut feeling about this. Reebok didn't want their direct rivals to get their hands on him or the police for that matter. Essentially we gave the guy shoes so he can run faster and be more efficient"

"There will be both a science side and an art side to the calculations," an industry insider told BBC news. "The science works out how much value he can add to a brand, how much he can bring in sales.
"The art side is about reputation. How is the brand talked about on social media? What's the sentiment around that brand?"

Romours of a deal with car companies Ferrari, Audi and Porsche have also reportbly been put forward as the big brands look to cash in on this new breed of criminal superstar. Max Clifford has reportadly got involved and is looking at a book deal with the first "When will I tyre" due to hit waterstones in under a month.

Budding Syrian Tyre Slashers

Police are worried this deal will pave the way for copycat criminals and budding tyre slashers in the country to head for Pocklington in the view of finding fame. Its reported 10,000 Syrians have headed to Europe in a bid to get to Pocklington and slash tyres.

Street Justice - Vic Baines

Big Jon of Karelia cars has welcomed attacks in Market Weighton and opened a mobile tyre fitting business. He also has a canteen and a showroom the size of two football pitches. Local Mobster Vic Baines has promised to take action into his own hands after his milk van was targeted. He vowed "slash my tyres I will slash your throat - Street Justice, dont fuck with the major".

ISIS: "Pock Tyre Slasher Probably Christian"

Pocklington Slasher - Efit

Slasher on loose!

On the night of 2 September the now infamous Pocklington slasher got to work with the first reported attack being seen on Darren Woodheads news feed (which has deteriorated since he found a partner). Remarkable as he does not even have a drivers license... Not to speculate but he should be prime suspect much like Huntley became after his first TV interview.

ISIS have publicly blamed the attack on a christian. From the Oval Caliphate Jihad Jon stated they have not yet completed the mosque so cannot be held responsible. He also said its out of character for the group which often makes charitable donations to UNICEF.  They responded to the slashing by donating oil to Bonds on Pocklington Industrial estate and expanding the caliphate up Wold Road. Peter Winn who was upset to be left out was unavailable for comment.

1 Direction

It is beleived "a dozen" tyres were slashed across the sleepy but high middle-class market town of Pocklington. The shocking news comes just weeks after the infamous "rix 4" attack which saw a boy band make national press by walking across a 24hour petrol station at night. No arrests have been made in relation to the "rix 4" attack but it is beleived this is what led to the 1D breakup.

Walter Red

The slashers attacks echo that of the budding dog walker Adam Peka when attempting to slash a policeman's tyres back in 03'. Sadly the knife snapped and Peka hid in a bush before his phone rang giving up his position. Turned out the policeman was in fact corrupt and a parade is held for the failed attack every year. Lest we forget.

K Dog

The top suspect so far seems to be Kane Hartwig. It is rumoured he left work early and refused to work alone after being haunted by a "possesed tyre". Many phycological experts are saying its "certainly Kane" with famed Chris BCAP PT Knight (Hons) factually stating " Kane is looking for revenge against something he has no control of and thats a tyre he fears. He certainly thinks these other tyres are related to the possesed one. He thinks he is helping people by stabbing these tyres when he is actually hurting them and commuting".


Conspiracy theorists are saying Peter Winn is involved in a bizarre effort to drum up business in the area. Reports suggest custom increased 600% in the last 24 hours for tyre fitting in Pocklington and Peter Ward has put in a hansom offer for "winnies".

Pocklington fraudsters strike McDonald's 

In other news it is reported that a gang of fraudsters from Pocklington are exploiting the goodwill and nature of McDonald's. It is believed they are removing and eating the mozzarella from "mozerella sticks" before returning with the hollow shell. They have so far bagged 3 free sticks using this ploy.

Just having a butchers - ISIS Claim Burtons Robbery

ISIS "burgel" award winning profiteers of death

News broke today of an intricate robbery at the famous Burtons butchers in Britain Furst and homophobic stronghold Pocklington. The callous robber was photographed while exiting the place that has ultimately become the final (almost) resting place for many murdered innocent animals. Retired hero cop PC Forstrike described the "burgerlry" as "rare".

With Pocklington's growing upper middle class population and the emergence of trendy gin bars it is little wonder the man went for the cash and not the meat. Gone are the days of a good old Sunday meat raffle in the Oddies and the blind eye to a bit of old fashion fencing.

Pocklington now under the IS Caliphate

In a bizarre show of strength in the largely UKIP area of East Riding ISIS have claimed responsibility for the robbery. Leader of the Islamic state and self proclaimed Caliph Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi sneered "They are not serving halal, they sell pork and Belle Vita sold me a shit pizza 6 years ago. Do you know they boil the kebab meat?" The robber is clearly in ISIS uniform (all black). Al-Baghdadi has vowed to build the worlds largest mosque on the oval and instantly apply sharia law to Pocklingtons lawless streets. Its rumored many including local hard nut Chris Tatterson have gone into hiding in anticipation of the new laws.

Local terror supporter sympathizer Rodg Eastmoreland has welcomed the expanded caliphate in an interview with the Pocklington Post "If they stop fracking I am all up for the caliphate." He did express concerns about the Christmas tree industry but conceded thats the price of multiculturalism.

The insurers and police have estimated that exactly £4500.00r was stolen in the "high steak" robbery! This makes the meat robber one of the most successful in Pocklingtons colorful history. Fan mail has flooded in with many young females flocking to Pocklington to "meat" the famed robber. Complaints have flooded into Burtons about the state of the surfaces. Items have clearly been left out in what looks like a untidy torture dungeon frequented by Ted Bundy.

Pocklingtons other notable heists include:

1. The JCB ram raid of Llyods TSD when the police tyres were slashed in advance. Sadly they got away with no money after Maggie from Danby's gave chase. 
2. The armed raid on 1079 garage Hewson & Robbin Cunts saw cigarettes and a few hundred pounds taken before the police helicopter found the bandits celebrating in the rugby club.
3. Stuart Howell callously stole 7 fish fingers and a sausage from the dining hall at Woldgate by concealing them in his pocket

Juice Plus Saved My Life!

So after pulling out of my super fight with Harry Matthews I fell into a deep state of depression. After 2 days I felt like my life was essentially over.

Thankfully I was in the pub commiting slow suicide when my night in shining armour arrived. A juice plus salesman! These are my amazing results in just 6 days!

I have gained 11 stone of pure muscle and lost all fat. Even my dog lost weight looking at me!! I dont even eat food anymore and only train once every 96 days. I went from being in poverty to owning 6 Jets, 2 casinos and a football team. The transformation is terrific!

Also my neighbors kid caught Ebola - guess what I gave them juice plus and he is cured. I'm now riding through Africa on elephant back curing all diseases for just £49.99 a month. #millionairesclub

My future plans are to flood facebook with bold claims and bomb ISIS with juice plus in an aim to end conflicts, diabetes and poverty in the middle east.

Are you ready to change your life? Fuck juice plus try methamphetamine.....

Below are some pictures of my transformation and how I'm spreading juice plus.

Quick gains

Earnings every 6 seconds

My Wednesday Jet

Curing Ebola

Allman out of Oval Mega Fight With Matthews

BREAKING NEWS

Allman's non title catch weight show down with Harry Matthews on the Oval has been postponed yet again because of injury. 

Allmans sparring with innocent bystanders in Barcelona

 
Allman has had to withdraw from the May 16 showdown with Masters middleweight champ Matthews with a hand injury. The injury was suffered when Allman stopped a nuclear terror attack with a head butt in Milton Keynes on Tuesday morning.

Allman with an impeccable record (0-0) was praised by Tory leader David Cameron in a short speech earlier today in which Cameron described Allman as "probably the bravest man ever to live". Allman himself played down the hero talk and insists he is a normal guy. Allman was quoted saying "a post man delivers letters... I deliver justice".

Allman's promoter and local hard man Chris Tatterton hopes he can reschedule the fight with Matthew's camp for later in the year but has insisted he can step up a short notice for the bout himself.

Tatterton said in a statement: "Allman stopped a nuke earlier today. I expect him to be back in the gym tommorow morning. Following specialist review and investigations over the last 1 hour he has been diagnosed with being rock hard."

"As a result of these injuries and the time required to recover he has been advised that he will not be medically fit to fight on May 16.

Matthews - Always ready

"Obviously this is a huge blow and Allman is devastated, but we have had to make the right decision for Grant Allman the fighter. We will speak with Nick Manners and hope to reschedule the bout in the near future or I will step up."

Tatterton himself has been involved in Allmans pre fight preperations. Hours have been spent doing high alltitude training on Chapel Hill and regular sparring outside Franks has been completed.

The super fight which sold out in 11 seconds was expected to see 6 million fans turn out on the oval in an event that would also feature a bon-fire and car boot sale arranged by David Windress.

Matthews trainer and mentor Nick Manners has been linked to the attack in Milton Keynes in what could be an attempt to save his fighters career. Matthews was a 72million to 1 underdog for the 12 round bout ladder and chair fight. The winner was set for a unification bout with the notorious Adam Peka who himself has missed work for two days after eating dodgy chicken legs. A broken playstation 2 was the reported purse agreement in a winner takes all event.

Is Cocaine in the UK even Cocaine anymore?

The question may seem stupid but is completely logical. I ask it through my own experiences with cocaine and the variants in effects, quality & price. Obviously its cut at almost every level but the real question is has much of the nation has been fooled from the highest level and sold a synthetic version.

Think about the benefits from the top level movers and day to day street dealers of cocaine:

• Profits increase in dramatic fashion
• Supply becomes almost endless
• Synthetic cocaine is legal to purchase as a research chemical (legal to buy)
• Obviously possession of synthetic cocaine carries no criminal charges (at present)
• The resale of it is not the same offense as selling class A drugs (if labeled not for human consumption/research chemical it is completely legal to sell)

So thats basically increased profit and reduced risk - Dream combo! I wonder if people today in many areas of the UK have ever had genuine cocaine and if they have has it ever been over 5% purity. I have taken cocaine in many countries and found it to be totally different to the UK and guess this boils down to purity.

Cocaine prices in areas of the UK have dropped to as low as £25 per gram (without bulk or loyal buying). We have also seen a huge rise in "pure/power/flake" - apparently high purity cocaine. This "pure" cocaine sells for between £80 & £100 per gram. I know of testing done on "pure" in the UK that returned purity rates of 8% indicating that if £100 a gram cocaine is 8% what on earth is the purity of the £25 a gram stuff? More to the point what is filling the other 92%+ in the cocaine?

I find it common that people believe they are connoisseurs of cocaine and will scoff at this post. "I never buy shit coke blah blah blah". Many believe the "gum rub" test proves quality if your gums go numb. Well I was not born yesterday but most shops stock baby teething powder. This products entire design is to give the numbness to stop pain, much in the way cocaine was used in dentistry & Nolvocaine/Lidocaine still is. Others can tell by the smell & taste... What we must remember in this day and age of copying culture tastes & smells can be copied with synthetic substances. I ask of these experts who has actually been to Bolivia, Peru or Columbia and tried pure cocaine? You maybe are just an expert in spotting good synthetic cocaine through no fault of your own.

Is the war on drugs making drugs more dangerous (or the replacement substances at least)? Its time the war on drugs stopped and legislation is brought in to lower the risks and encourage safe using much like Holland. Drugs can be tested at many places in Amsterdam without fear of arrest. UK drug policy must change to save lives. Education and awareness is key.

Drug testing kits seems to be a growing market for business savvy folk these day. If you need help with addiction check out this site. Feel free to comment share and follow this blog.

Anthony Joshua Mini Boxing Documentary

Anthony Joshua is the future of heavyweight boxing. He is also a humble person and a genuine role model. The short documentary below shows Anthony Joshua behind the scenes preparing to fight Russian Dennis Bakhtov at the 02 Arena. Enjoy... #boxing #fcukfear #hwchamp