Saturday, 17 October 2020

ISIS Claim They Had A Smashing Night @ Cross Keys

In not even nearly the craziest news this week ISIS have surprisingly claimed responsibility for the "cowardly, somewhat artistic and FANTASTIC" attack on the "quiet, trouble free" Cross Keys Pub in the booming economic centre of Pocklington. This is the first strike by the group since the devastating 2015 water pipe attacks that caused a worldwide appeal for help. 

Claims not yet confirmed


What started out as a non-story of a man/boy with a
ppearance of Aladdin seemingly using the wrong door or window after missing last orders for a Heineken 0.0 has quickly gone from a Pocklington Post paragraph on page 18 with the old pictures of Mr Tatterton (winning every event humanly possible in speedos) has jumped to international News Desks worldwide? Hitting mainstream media publishers in San Francisco, New York City, Sydney and even Johannesburg. The story and mystery is really beginning to unravel.

BBC Site follows most leading news sites #Prey4dick

The highly rated and trendy “come and go bar” has mega ratings on Trip advisor (5*) and Facebook and is seen as a pillar of the community. Local hero and Landlord Known as a Dick or psycho is renowned for his care in the community and love of flowers he tends to. He certainly gives more than he takes and is constantly being pictured doing great things in local papers.

"Cracking Little Pub" - Predictions of attack or bad wording? Author in custody (1st arrest)

Often he is seen running to his doors as the randy locals throw underwear, money and themselves at him such is his local status. “So I look like a ladies man but I am here to help Pocklington become a better place. I would not run for the mayor he runs for me. Too big for my boots? Size 6 mate and stuff ends so no. £12 lecky darl” purred the landlord when buying electric from a male attendant in the Coop.

Landlord Dick - Heart Throb Hero Wins Heart Of Nation
"I wonder if it was the second coming. I am not religious like to get boots stuck in and been thinking allot. I not had any sleep since about 1 week before the attack"
The nations favourite has been awake for a month now. Keep going.

The heartless attack on his beloved Cross Keys had left the folk in the area terrified and without a safe place. However after Tommy Robinson was looking at the news and saw a “foreign Fuck” in the CCTV images released and everything changed. Tommy, Anthea Turner and the EDL rode in on white horses with a foreign workforce and had the bar up and running within 4 hours. Imagine Changing rooms in a broken building with Cocaine, Booze and racism topped with a minority workforce to abuse and a load of glass on the floor. "Finally got the atmosphere I have been seeking, over the moon" Snorted the confused but jolly Landlord. Rumours the attacker/s actually helped clean up the next day are yet to be proven.

Tommy Robinson's Asian Builders Work Wonder - Better Than New
"A dog born in a stable aint a horse" T Robinson 2020 Leaving speech

The community spirit amongst the regulars and Dick fans has been beautiful. A real coming together in a tragedy. The now viral hunt on the Cross Keys page has shown what a lovely and balanced bunch they are. Justice is a needy child and serious planning of the culprit or culprits being hung drawn and quartered have been delayed until covid19 restrictions are lifted over concerns 5 people would be unable to hold the giant bearded man pictured down. Described as Jesus by most comments some were confused by the background of the suspect.

Official Shot Of Main Suspect and full name

Eye witnesses say the giant Turkish man threw a full 85KG plant pot through and upstairs window. #power! If confirmed this will be the town record for such an event and will likely never be beaten. Already local strongmen have started attempting the record. Local Enforcer/Mobb Boss Vic Bains is believed to have bought all the large clay pots from Langlands reported to have cost £1300 and a 15 year old paper boy in his prime. Suggestions to hang the Turkish Monster also stalled due to his size. CCTV from outside the venue is thought to have been unable to capture the suspect due to his shear size.

6 Days work to remove editing. Most accurate image available.
Circulate so we can catch who or what is behind this.

The ISIS revelation has come as a shock and left many questions amongst locals and foreign observers. The claim was first made when official ISIS trip advisor gave a 2 star rating and stated would have given 3 but glass everywhere and prayer matts soaked. Service also rated as one. This post has been deleted with ISIS account. We got further confirmation from a video on 15 October 2020 via news agency Al Jazeera TV.

The self-proclaimed prophet, "Jihad James Foks" of the established Pocklington Caliphate, which recently moved from the oval to Chappell Hill allowing the council to sort the grass out and fit running toilets allowed new Woldgate recruit a short time on TV to give a statement before clarifying the attack in detail via a radio interview with Vixen FM (Market Weighton).

Temporary Chap Hill Secret Base


"It’s We, I, ISIS under ISOP (Islamic State of Pocklington) have again struck at the heart of your filthy capitalist society. We go gym, pin, mix then attack. Cross Keys Pocklington you suffered for displaying and pushing haram. We will continue this campaign following Geneva Convention closely."

The live interview attracted 1 listener which broke Vixens record this year. Transcript or “operation war”

"Hi Vixen FM any requests"

"You kaffir playing string instruments..."

"Hold on you want a riff or summit rocky"

"Shut your mouth and listen this is the leader if ISOP"

"Hold on" (Confusion and mild Panic, Presenter changes voice)

"Hey I am in charge at Vixen we are a community based local…"

“Inshullah We Attacked the Kuffir bar in Pocklington and will attack you if you dont shut up. Details of our successful mission carried out will follow in detail”

Taken at 2.30AM Marching To Target
Experts are not yet sure if it was light at 2:30AM 

·         We Marched 19 Mujahedeen from The Buddha centre to Pocklington in full outfit at 2.30AM to prepare an attack on the war memorials beautiful flowers. A non-aggressive flower smash and poppy steal as can sell at market day after for future Insurgency (Strong Integration) into the filthy haram filled town.

·         Upon arrival at the target our General and famous Jihad Tyre Slasher (Infamous in Pocklington for a spate of tyre slashing’s to save insects which actually makes complete sense) did a quick insect assessment. Alarm bells rang for our 19 warriors when no insects were found. Our newly freed and eager Tyre Slasher immediately knew some sort of pesticide had been used to kill the insects. We immediately agreed with Tyre man as he was shaking with anger. “Genocide”! Confused he gave the order to remove the flowers.

·         11.3 seconds after the op began we came into aggressive contact directly from the East 1 storey up. A male which we believed to be Phillip Schofield engaged in aggressive dialogue. "GET OFF FLOWERS I HAVE 15 YEAR MULTI MILLION CONTRACT WITH COUNCIL YOU DAESH OR WHATEVER". He took cover for a second and my team prepared to come under heavy fire. Schofield returned to the window covered in flour or something hissing and sniffing with a bottle in his hand with X on label. I gave the order to neutralise him. We fired a pre-emptive RPG strike threw his window breaking to glass. We then surrounded the window and created a safe Perimeter as two of our team wanted an autograph if possible.

·         Schofield appeared quickly in the same window to our surprise with a bank note and keys. He threw the bottle out which we identified as Amyl Nitrate or poppers. A tactical decision to kidnap Schofield due to his celebrity status and TV show we all enjoy was made after the team tested the Amyl Nitrate. Schofield became confused asking us in for "a pint" but shaking so after 2 seconds we threw a broken grenade at him and that seemed to quell the threat. 

Distressed Landlord Off His Face
ISIS took this before humanely subduing Rich with a broken grenade

·         Jihad Tyre Slasher used his favourite glass hammer from the X46 to open the window. We entered and sat tight at the right hand side away from the alcohol. The Tyre Slasher gave us a speech which can never be repeated then started in his own Islamic way disposing of the haram or alcohol to you non-believers. 

·         16 of our strongest cleansed the filthy bar saving even the non-believers children while 3 maintained the perimeter. We liked the carpets etc and waited for Mr Schofield to come down for his kidnapping. After 20 minutes we secured and left the scene.

 Brief engagement with Local ex post man at around 4am near memorial. Suspect he was looking for donation box but after searching him he had no money. We ID him as White Kuffir Russle Lyons and ran a quick CRB check. He came back for theft among others things and a paedophile type accusation. When quizzed he stated "no victim no crime can I smell poppers?". We recruit allot of people but we sent him packing and advised him to the word of the caliphate expansion. Seemingly aroused He headed Due East towards Schofields open bar with bad intentions. Under our new version of treating customers fairly (TCF) Schofiled although a failed kidnap target was still under our care.

✋✋✋We surrounded Russ the convicted post thief and did some google. He was almost sacrificed on the spot as we suspected he was hunting us as some master paedophile hunter. Few crossed wires it turned out he was the paedophile. With no Threat to Schofield we released the randy russ with a bottle of poppers and screen shot our find his parting words "no victim no crime".
Standard Chat Up Lines?
Hero post thief is going after a child!

·        We explained to Schofield by shouting about russ and what and why it happened. Asked for autographs and kidnap to go ahead. White powder was blowing outta the room and loud electronic gay type dance music began pounding. We retreated to avoid indoctrination.

·         We left the red zone with no further contact or problem. At 4.45AM we arrived in our secret location.”

 

Famous Tour De France winner Dodger Eastmoreland praised the work of ISIS and was incensed regarding the use of some adulterant to kill these insects. “I would love to go to the Cross Keys! I would nut little Dick behind the bar and pour insect killer down his throat” sighed Dodger. Fears amongst locals that dodger poses a more serious threat than ISIS and may actually blow the place up are not scaring away custom.

ISIS leaders in the Middle East have yet to confirm the attack or claim a direct link. With the lethal Pocklington tyre slasher at the centre of this story they may feel damaging to reputation globally.

Loose In Area  
Winns have employed 300 temps in hope of a repeat of 2015

The reebok sponsored athlete and undisputed world’s best Tyre Slasher has bounced from religions to Islam and recently a bout of severe schizophrenic violence on an innocent female in York in daylight. He is still supposed to be behind bars but sources have indicated he was broken/sneaked out of Max Security Jail Full Sutton specifically for this attack. Very strong suggestions he was smuggled out inside a guard (unconfirmed but no other way out).

"Red Rag To A Bull"
Bookies slash odds on humans 5/2 

CCTV Images and a video of one of the attackers has surfaced online with police following many leads. Pocklington Caliphate elders are working with Woldgate 6th Form film experts to prove the claim. They believe the images are haram and should be destroyed but in this instance are insistent better footage (that could be used for propaganda and recruitment has been edited) is somehow hidden.

Woldgate Head - J Bower "An Honour to assist ISIS in legitimising the attack claim"
Worm 

It is not known when the police were called and this has led to more confusion and theories.

Helen forgot the local station closed in 2003 - 17 Years Holding Strong
Helen presence has had no significant impact on global warming or crime. Locals now dress her as a Christmas tree late November.

A task force of 9 
police forces including 19000 officers are combing the entire country for the suspects.  Ex bent cop turned bounty hunter 
PC Spalaney stated "if it aint ISIS its a bearded guy who is same. I aint inspector Morse but we are looking at a terror attack and a bearded gang. A violent response is where I would start. I mean violent, anyone In the streets after 10pm should be neutralized."

"I was proud to be the only armed serving police officer in Pocklington and any area before my misconduct hearing and misunderstanding/career change. (The officer was jailed for having an illegal handgun, ammunition and drugs). I’m happy to shoot at anyone with beard even stubble. Its gets dark early so just shoot at them all even women have beards."

Head of the actual police operation has warned anyone to not approach Spalacey as he is armed and dangerous. He is currently being tracked by Ray Mears and is on Europol most wanted list. Teflon Peka is said to be in hiding from his main nemesis.

Laying Low - Former Kingpin 

The police are not satisfied this is simply the work of ISIS and have advised they have many suspects. “The evidence we have seen looks like the ISIS guys used clever tech to hide in video or we could have multiple suspects who are twins. This could be a confusing one and I really think the CCTV is so unclear I am unsure if it’s even in the Cross Keys. If we have not spoken to you, YOU are a suspect come forward and rule your-self out.”

Main Suspect inside the Keys - Do you recognise him? 
£7500000 Reward

Any information on the attackers can be passed on in confidence to Franks Kebabs & Pizza on 01759 306612 (quote: Crackin Deal for free garlic bread or coke with £5 spend*).

The Police are preparing a suspect list at present and have made two arrests so far. Cocaine was found scattered all over the pub in what looks to be a set up or some sort of after smash smash party. Much CCTV is missing and many questions remain unanswered. Around 3 minutes have been released so far which leaves a gap of 27 minutes if ISIS were watching the clock. Irregular activity relating to insurance policies is also being investigated. It is believed disguise like items were recovered from the loft dungeon above. No further information will be given at present as it could impact our case.

Two bottles of Budweiser were broken in the attack thrusting the United States into an extradition bid for the suspect. Donald Trump furiously stated “extradite him we will torture him. That’s an attack on US kids, workers anyone American.”

Friday, 1 January 2016

Adam Peka kidnapped by derranged lunatic after Zuckerberg payout

 Adam "teflon" Peka has been kidnapped after scooping Mark Zuckerbergs surprise new year payout.

Do not approach
Adam must have suspected this would happen eventually. Carlsberg don't make hated men but if they did..... Regardless of this nothing could have prepared Adam for the lunatic he would face on new years day. It is reported local man Remmer has kidnapped Adam for reasons that are yet unclear. Remmer described by Mrs Booth as "the kid with the broken brain" this fruit loop was known for lovingly cuddling his first pet to death in a bizarre show of solidarity.

Feared by police and petshop owners Remmer is a lethal figure who has escaped justice for years by only eating peanut butter, avoiding mainstream supermarkets and pet stores. It is believed he once ate a suffering pigeon outside of franks kebabs. Owner of Franks Darren denied serving the injured bird but admitted it had happened once before.

It is rumored the deranged Remmer still high from new years eve stalked his pray and ambushed Peka at the almost forgotten love lane phone box.
Peka being held captive

Adam Peka wins Mark Zuckerberg fortune!

Im sure we have all seen the "Facebook Mark Zuckerberg is going to give away 4.5 million shares of his Facebook stock tonight at midnight; 10% to people like you and me! All you have to do is copy and paste this to your page and post. Facebook is doing this to show what a powerful tool of connection it is !!! Can't wait to see who wins !!! This is not a hoax !!! It's on Good Morning America !!This would be so awesome" appear in what we only thought were gullable idiots newsfeeds. But it turns out it was not a hoax at all and the real fools were the people mocking Mark Zuckerberg's generous gesture to end 2015!

Many mocked people sharing the status that I must admit looked hoax like. Here are some examples.
Poking fun at the chancers!

Hate filled rant againts the optimists

But in a bizarre turn of events Zuckerberg (the owner of facebook) today confirmed via twitter (unconfimed account) and his official facebook page that Pocklington superstar Adam "teflon" Peka had scooped the incredible prize.

His facebook confirming Adam Peka's win

Zuckerbergs twitter #nohoax @pocklington


Wonga & Quick Quid have reportadly seen share prices rocket as a result and have reportadly put armed gaurds outside his house until he settles his £9 loan from 2007.  

Adam made a brief facebook status about coco-pops (he is physically addicted) before being spotted partying with Snoop Dogg / Lion in some upmarket gin bar. Teflon once again looks set to rise to the top of Pocklington's elite much to the upset of Henry Thirsk often dubbed the Donald Trump of Pocklington.
I would rather have a bowl of Coco-Pops
Adam mocks the mockers 
Peka with Snoop Dogg celebrating the win!
The win comes off the back of a devastating plumbing error which cost him his job and half of Yorkshire to be flooded over Christmas.



Tuesday, 24 November 2015

Islamic State Cut Pocklington Water

IS pictured at The Glider Club
In a shocking move IS have attacked the main water supply to Pocklington, destroying a main pipe in a co-ordinated attack. The attack has sparked outrage amongst residents who have reportedly began collecting rain water and drinking alcohol instead.

It is believed the attack happened sometime on Monday 23rd November a day that will be remembered by many in Pocklington as "dry Monday". Already donations have "poured" in from Yorkshire water in the form of plastic bottles containing water. Local mob leader Vic Baines quickly saw the opportunity and is now selling the bottles for £5 each from his local shop while others have resorted to selling bong water in pop up stalls all over Pocklington.

Pocklington Beck
BBCs Children in Need are running a Pocklintgton special tonight at 8pm "Pocklington in Need". The show will feature images of Pocklington folk bathing in the beck and drinking from the canals. They are pleading for special straws which makes the water clean. For just 50p you can help a Pocklington resident make a bong out of special straw.

It is rumoured that Pocklington Reservoir on Chapel Hill has been surrounded by US forces in a further escalation in the battle for power in the upper middle class town of Pocklington.

Reports have flooded in this week that the famed Pocklington Slasher has now joined Islamic State and is intent on attacking again after evading court. An attack now on Pocklingtons cars could lead to chaos meaning no water and no escape for the residents. Speaking from the Oval Caliphate the IS press team confirmed the water pipe attack "The water contained Fluoride so we are trying to save the people".

"They are scum" on Pocklington residents
Jeremy Corbyn earlier visited the troubled town and described the situation in his usual defiant left wing fashion. "They are drinking the scum from a river. They do not deserve this!"

Sherbutgate residents fear that they will lose the 90000 reported tourists every year if the water is not returned. The Hanging Baskets of Sherbuttgate look set to die unless water can be sourced. Oh the Irnoy of the lighthouse outside Franks.

Thursday, 29 October 2015

4 Wonders Of Pocklington

Welcome to the four wonders of Pocklington, compiled for your visiting pleasure by the Pocklington Ministry of Information in association with the town Council.

The planning procedure took over five years in development to allow you, the discerning visitor, a more informed choice of Pocklington's premier attractions. The list was prepared by the Four Wonders Working Party from nine different name selection subcommittees. Once shortlisted, the Wonders were further scrutinised by twenty other oversight committees before being finally adopted.
 

Although this system might seem archaic, time wasting and needlessly expensive, the level of bureaucracy involved elevated The Four Wonders Choosing Procedure to almost become a Wonder in its own right.

We hope you enjoy the list of Wonders outlined and make them part of your visit; if you want to know more about the 'Lesser Wonders' of Pocklington that didn't make it on to the list but are worth a visit regardless, please call at one of many Pubs which can be found dotted around the town.


The Four Wonders Of Pocklington


1. Pocklington Church


Originally known for religion and the flying man, this 849m colossus is not only the highest building in Pocklington but it also has a very reasonably priced cafeteria. 

"Give me a tower I can jump off!" With those noble words flying man Mr David Murray John proposed the building of a skyscraper to give Pocklington the skyline it had lacked since the destruction of the Cathedral of St Xynxd almost five centuries before.

The amazing 849m high Pocklington Church
At first glance the plans for the tower seemed almost modest; a wind tunnel for skydiving 45m high with a roof terrace, clock and airship docking tower - all normal stuff. However, just before the 'great finish' in May 1875 a militant band of Surrealists wrested control of the Builder's Union and threatened not to stop working until the labour force was paid less money. Subject to a legally-enforcable agreement with the previous union, the owners of the tower were powerless - and could only watch in horror as their beloved tower continued to grow as the militant surrealists refused to stop building.

By Christmas and with negotiations breaking down at every level, the tower had gone 26 floors over the planned limit. Encouraged by sympathetic suppliers who continued to deliver the striking builders with much-needed concrete and steel, the tower was still being constructed at an astonishing rate a year later when the owners finally managed to persuade the suppliers to cease trading with the increasingly aggresive builders.


Extreme surrealist builders in a restored photograph
When it seemed like the strike could go no further due to the lack of materials, help came unexpectedly from the good folk of Pocklington itself, who, impressed by the builder's tenacity began supplying the beleaguered strikers with newspapers and wallpaper paste, allowing them to continue building the next three floors of papier mache. undoubtedly impressive, but short-lived. When anti surrealist legislation was passed the following month the union was disbanded and the strike called off, two years and three months after it began.

When the owners finally regained possession of the tower they discovered a 1086m (reduced to 849m when the papier mache became soggy) engineering marvel that was found by structural engineers to be eminently usable, and the tower has remained to this day, a 849M high testament to not only Pocklington's skilled workforce but the short-lived surrealist movement that swept England in the 1870s.

Although the tower never did get its airship docking station the roof garden remains, from where on a clear day you can see three coasts. The tower contains a mix of apartments and office space, several cinemas, three swimming pools and the Pocklington Public Records Office. The top three floors of the building are also the only habitable areas of England which are located within controlled airspace.


Visitor's Information: Visitor's centre and museum on ground floor. Roof garden, very reasonably priced cafeteria and viewing gallery open seven days a week. Special Vertigo Sufferer's viewing platform at street level.

How to find it: Go to Pocklington and look up. Nearest Public Transport: Pocklington Bus Station, Station Road.

Telephone:


 
Surely one of Pocklington's finest areas of horticultural calm, the famous hanging baskets of Sherbuttgate draw in excess of 92,000 visitors a year.

A relatively small basket of physinphentics greets visitors to Sherbuttgate
The only 'Four Wonder' that was never in any question over inclusion, the Hanging Baskets of Sherbuttgate are famous the world over for not only their colour and striking fragrance, but for their variety. Even the fussiest flower basket nonce will find something to please them in the twenty or so hanging baskets on display, ranging in size from a tiddler barely 7' across to the "Colonel's Basket" which is 23' in diameter and weighs three tons.

Inaugurated in 1929 by General Sherbuttgate in the parkland named in his honour, the Baskets have been recently incorporated into a new housing estate as the Colonel demanded in his will. The buildings on the site are constructed of steel girders to take the massive weights, and each basket can be lowered by a system of pulleys ingeniously hidden within the basement of each house. 


An ingenious pulley system operates the baskets
Each homeowner in the estate is responsible for his or her own hanging basket and in return is given reduced rent and as much peat and peonies as they need. Due to a recent environmental outcry the Sherbuttgate Trust is happy to point out that they only use peat from renewable sources.

During Winter the more valuable baskets are moved by low-loader to nearby The Mouse House flower shop, where a climate-controlled greenhouse keeps them fresh for the next season.

Visitor's Information: Sherbuttgate is situated in the West of the Town near nothing. Visitor's centre on site and caters for all basket cases ; courses run in the summer months.  

Closest Public Transport: B1426 Bus Stop (signposted).
Telephone:
01759 303427  

3. The Lighthouse Of Railway Street Roundabout 


Constructed during the Great Global Warming Scare of 1832, this famous Pocklington landmark is unique for being the only lighthouse in the world invisible from any navigable waterway. 

Very useful landmark if you've had a skinful and need to find the bus station.
The Lightouse which now stands outside Franks Kebab shop is the only survivor of the Great Global Warming Scare of 1832 when local councils all over England were persuaded that rising sea levels would make inland towns like Pocklington a major shipping hazard.

When the danger had receded by 1838 and the instigator of the building process jailed for fraud, the Pocklington Town Council were embarassed but ingenious - what better way to give a reading light to the good folk of Pocklington in the dark days before electricity? For sixty years the lamp swept around the city between the hours of eight and ten, allowing those within its influence a chance to read in bed, albeit in only two second bursts every half minute.
 


When electricity and a drop in the price of candles doused the great lamp forever, the lighthouse's future looked bleak until it was converted into a bell tower for the local Chapel of St Xynxd, a use that ensured its survival into the twentieth century.

Now restored to its former glory, the Lighthouse on Railway Street roundabout is known equally well, not only as a tourist attraction but also as a useful landmark for Pocklington residents who have got a bit pissed or stoned and need to get their bearings to the bus station.
 


Visitor's Information: Visitor's centre open all year round but with limited entries - best book early for a time slot. Allow half an hour for a conducted tour to the restored lamp room.

How to find it: The Lighthouse can be found on Railway Street, just off Station Road. Visitors to the Pocklington Church nearby can make use of a 'two for one' ticket offer. Another Wonder, the Cathedral of
St Xynxd (site of), is only a short walk away. 

Nearest Public Transport: Pocklington Bus Station, Station Road.

Telephone: 01759 306612


The Cathedral Of St Vynxd (site of)

4. The Cathedral of St Xynxd (site of)


Despite the fact that nothing whatsoever remains above ground, the medieval cathedral that once graced this site was an equal to Chartres or York. On-site tours available.

Pocklington's Great Cathedral was founded in 1289 by St Xynxd and grew to be not only one of the finest and richest exponents of the medieval cathedral builders art, but also a seat of great learning and stability within the region. Although destroyed by fire during the reformation in 1536 and subsequently demolished, its enduring memory and undeniable regional importance ensures that it remains, despite its non-existence, as one of the truly great wonders of Pocklington.

Standing here in 1432 you would be looking along the arcade of the South aisle. 
Unique as the only medieval cathedral of any importance that no trace whatsoever remains, the vanished Cathedral of St
Xynxd remains one of the strongest tourist attraction of the Pocklington area.

So what did it look like? There are only three drawings of the cathedral itself, so details of its precise architectural finery are frustratingly sparse. There are many contemporaneous accounts of the richness of the building style, and by comparing these notes and studying similar cathedrals of the period and in conjunction with an archaeological survey conducted in 1822, we can gain a fairly clear picture of what the Cathedral once looked like.

The North Transept and Rose Window (site of)
As far as can be determined, the cathedral conformed to the 'cruciform' layout along an East-West axis with North and South transepts and a massive crossing tower augmented by two smaller towers at the Western entrance, roughly where
the end of the car park is now situated. If you stand near the recycling bins the south arcade runs directly into the rear of where Sainsbury's now stands - the central tower and transepts are centred on the checkout aisles.

Remains found in the 1822 archaeological survey and historical references suggest that the internal roof was rib vaulted and fragments of tracery point to a vast seven light window in the East and West ends - small shards of stained glass and sections of the central mullion can be seen in Burnby Hall Garden's museum, along with accurate reproductions of the rose windows that allegedly adorned the North and South transepts.


Site of the original font and entrance to scriptorium.
The last remaining above-ground section was a small stone arch that survived until St Xynxd's dramatic resurrection in 1988. Despite protestations the remnant was demolished to make way for an extension to the trolley park.

Visitors to the site today can be taken on a tour bus around the car park and guided tours amongst the shopping aisles of the present day Sainsbury 's will do much to re-invoke the flavour of medieval Pocklington. If preferred you can walk around the car park on your own, stopping at the occasional information boards which give explanations of where
parent and child parking bays are located

Visitor's Information: Visitor's centre open all year round with tour guides happy to take visitors on lecture tours of the site. The cathedral (site of) has the unique privilege of being the only World Heritage Site where you can also do your weekly shopping. Physical remnants of the cathedral can be found in the Burnby Hall Garden museum.

How to find it: The site is on the Sainsbury's superstore off The Balk not far from the bus station
 
Nearest Public Transport: Pocklington Bus Station.

Telephone:
01759 305974  

That's all four folks
   

With thanks to Jasper Fforde